The day-page-set for the jokes in the jokes-wiki
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theres a boy who needs to know the alphabet so he goes home and his mums on the phone and the boy says mum whats the first letter of the alpabet and his mum says shut up then the boy goes to his sisters room while she’s listening to music and says sis whats the second letter of the alphabet and his siter says oh yeah oh yeah then he goes to his dads room and he’s playing darts and the boy goes dad whats the third letter of the alphabet and his dad goes 180!!! and then the boy goes to his little brothers room and he’s playing a car game and the boy goes bro whats the fourth letter of th alphabet and his little brother goes in my broom broom car in my broom broom car so he goes to school the next day and says shut up and the teacher says do you want detenchen and the boy goes oh yeah oh yeah and the teacher says how long do you want it for and the boy says 180!!! and the teacher says how you gonna ascape it and the boy goes in my broom broom car in my broom broom car.
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This joke too. http://s4560.gridserver.com/cgi-bin/wiki2/JokesWiki/2008-04-04_Joke
So, a pirate walks into a bar. And the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. And so the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, doesn’t that thing hurt?” And the pirate replies, “Yarrrr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Svenska [sv]
—Varför har du en paprika på huvudet?
—Jag har det varje tisdag.
—Men det är ju måndag idag.
—Oj, folk kan ju tro jag är knäpp!
English [en]
– Why do you wear a pepper on your head?
– I do it each Tuesday.
– But today it’s Monday.
– Whoa, people may think I’m weird!
Why do programmers always use up all the shampoo when washing their hair?
Because the usage instruction says: rinse your hair, put some shampoo, wash, rinse, repeat
categories: [CategoryProgrammers? programmers]
(joke from a spammer, thanks)
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he is just for good luck.” Then a third child brought the argument to a close…“They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
possible answering machine texts:
One morning a patient arrives at a doctor’s surgery complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him “What happened to your back?”
The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. I went in and I knew someone had been with my wife, and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door but no one was there. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running away and dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him…That’s how I strained my back”
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?”
He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now? Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and woke up late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it, but I was hit by a fridge.”
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to you…?”
“I was hiding in a fridge and someone threw it from the 3rd floor”
Letters On Chest
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”
“So how do you find the London?”
“Oh, it’s pretty easy. Got on a boat in New York, get off in Southampton, got on a train to London, you can’t miss it.”
“Excuse me, I’ve got an impression that you poked my eye with your umbrella, kind sir”
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry”
“Don;t mention it, I still have the other eye left”
I’ve heard old man, you buried your wife last week?
Yes, I had to. You know, dead.
Q: When is a duck?
A: Because one of its legs, are both the same.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, “What?”
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, I like both.
Both?
Engineer: Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.
joke from a spamer
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed.
The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and, a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SET BACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I’M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!
Some came here to shit and stink
other came to sit and think
but I came here to scratch my balls
and read the writing at the walls.
Found by Otto, A’dam
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” Do you want a room with or without a view?
George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers to answer some of the children’s questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
“Bob” he says.
“And what is your question, Bob?”
“I have 3 questions…
First… Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second… Why are you resident when Kerry got more votes? And third… What happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right, it’s question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
“Steve” he says.
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“I have 5 questions.
First… Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second.. Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third… What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth… Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And fifth… Where’s Bob?
Send your girlfriend to me and get a free child. Hurry! Lucky buyers will win twins.
Smoking reduces your life by 5 minutes. Sex increases your life by 10 minutes.
Conclusion: a fucking smoker never dies!
Teacher: What do you want to become? Pupil: A doctor Teacher: Why? Sam : Because its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes & ask her husband to pay for it.
A Sardarji was living in poverty. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
The Sardarji wrote a note saying: “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground”.
Signed: “A Sardarji”.
He then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:
“How can a Sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and please leave me my son.” Signed: “Another Sardarji”.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”
your momma so fat when she walked down the street i thought it was a earthquake
Wie nennt man jemanden, der unverheiratet ist?” - “Ledig, Herr Lehrer.” “Und jemanden, der verheiratet ist?” - “Erledigt, Herr Lehrer!”
Fritzchen muß zur Strafe 100 mal schreiben: Ich darf meine Lehrerin nicht duzen. Als er die Strafarbeit abgibt, staunt die Lehrerin: “Fritzchen, warum hast du es denn 200mal geschrieben?” Fritzchen strahlt: “Weil du es bist, Frau Lehrerin!”
Englischunterricht. Es sollen Sätze mit “Timbuktu” gebildet werden. Rüdiger: “My father and me went to Timbuktu”. Lehrer: “Na ja, nicht eben fantasievoll, aber sonst i.O.” Thorsten: “On our holidays, we travelled to Timbuktu.” Lehrer: “Na ja, etwas besser aber immer noch etwas farblos.” Carsten: “Tim and me to Brisbane went, where we met some girls in a tent, they were three and we were two, so i booked one and tim booked two.”
“Warum mußtest du denn heute nachsitzen?” fragt der Vater. “Ich habe mich geweigert, jemanden zu verpetzten.” “Das war doch nur fair von dir.” meint der Vater. “Um was ging es denn?” “Der Lehrer wollte unbedingt wissen, wer der Mörder von Julius Cäsar war.”
Die Lehrerin fragt Hänschen in der Schule: “Wenn auf einem Ast fünf Vögel sitzen, und ich schiesse einen herunter, wieviele sitzen dann noch auf dem Ast?” Hänschen: “Keiner, weil alle nach dem Knall davonfliegen” Lehrerin: “Fantastisch, ich mag die Art wie Du denkst!” Hänschen: “Da hätte ich aber auch eine Frage an Sie, Frau Lehrerin: Drei Blondinen sitzen an der Eistheke und essen ein Eis. Eine lutscht ihr Eis, eine saugt an ihrem Eis, eine beisst in ihr Eis. Welche ist verheiratet?”. Die Lehrerin errötet verlegen und sagt dann ganz leise: “Ich glaube, es ist diejenige, die an ihrem Eis saugt…” Hänschen:” Nein, es ist diejenige, die den Ehering trägt, aber ich mag die Art, wie Sie denken!”
Professor sitzt in der Mensa und ißt. Ein Student setzt sich ungefragt ihm gegenüber. Etwas verärgert meint der Professor: “Also, seit wann essen denn Adler und Schwein an einem Tisch?!!” der Student: “Ok, dann flieg ich halt weiter.”
Am Anfang der Klausur sagt der Professor: “Sie haben genau 2 Stunden Zeit. Danach werde ich keine weiteren Arbeiten mehr annehmen.” Nach 2 Stunden ruft der Professor: “Schluss, meine Damen und Herren!” Trotzdem kritzelt ein Student wie wild weiter. Eine halbe Stunde spaeter, der Professor hat die eingesammelten Arbeiten vor sich liegen, will auch der letzte sein Heft noch abgeben, aber der Professor lehnt ab. Blaest sich der Student auf: “Herr Professor! Wissen sie eigentlich wen sie vor sich haben?” “Nein…” meint der Prof. “Grossartig” sagt der Student, und schiebt seine Arbeit mitten in den Stapel.
Fragt Peter den Lehrer: “Was heißt das, was Sie mit roter Tinte unter meinen Aufsatz geschrieben haben?” - “Das heißt: deutlicher schreiben!”
Die Lehrerin sagt zu Marie: “Marie, dein Aufsatz zu dem Thema -Unsere Katze- ist fast wortwörtlich der selbe wie der deiner Schwester.” Antwortet Marie: “Ist ja auch die selbe Katze!”
Kennt auch jemand einen Satzt mit Bochum, Köln und Saxophon? Ein Hund Bochum die Ecke um zu pinKöln, da sah man seinen Saxsophon der seite
Ein Satz mit Sperma und Vorhaut?
Sperr’ma’ die Oma mal nach hinten, damits sie beim Bremsen nicht so vorhaut.
There was a guy on his motorcycle in a ice cream parlor.He was so fat that you cant see the bike. The two guy teenagers behind him were making fun of him. After about a minute he turned and said “What the fuck is your problem?”
The teenagers said “Why are you so fat?”
Then he said “ Cause every time i fuck your momma she give me a cookie.”
yo momma is so fat doesn’t take pictures she takes posters
yo momma is like a bowling ball u pick her up u fuck her and u throw her in the gutter
A man walks into a doctors office and desperately tells him, “doctor, doctor, im losing my memory! what should i do?”
The doctor cooly replied, “pay in advance”.
What do you call a Welshman with a lot girlfriends?
A Shepherd.
What’s the best thing that ever happened between England and Ireland?
The Irish Sea.
What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A leisure center.
A sign in a golf-cart shop reads:
“When drinking, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
I have no idea how worms reproduce, but one often finds them in pears.
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
A Irish woman was in bed with her lover when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, “What te fuck are you doin’?”
“You see?” The woman said, “I told you he was stupid”
What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”
There’s a mile between the first and the last letter.
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”
“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
Jesus was preaching to his disciples and said come forth and you shall win eternal life.
John came fifth and won a toaster.
The word ‘fuck’ has been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” General Custer
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” Captain of the Titanic
“Thats not a real fucking gun.” John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” Richard Nixon
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” Anne Boleyn
“Let the fucking woman drive.” Commander of Space Shuttle “Challenger”
“What fucking map?” Mark Thatcher
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” Pythagoras
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” Michaelangelo
“Fuck a duck.” Walt Disney
“Why? Because its fucking there!” Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” Noah
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
The husband says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.
Again, there’s a bright flash…and his legs fall off.
Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that water keeps running out the bottom.
The manager asks him if he bought a plug.
Paddy says “You twat, you never said it was electric!”
A man walks into a pub in Wales and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the barman looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are you… where you from, boy?”
The man says, “I’m from London.”
The barman asks, “What d’you do in London?”
The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The barman asks, “A taxidermist… what the fuck is a taxidermist?”
The man says “I mount animals.”
The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s alright boys, he’s one of us!”
A woman went to hospital to have a vagina transplant.
Unfortunately the operation had to be delayed as the replacement cunt is still reading this message.