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piranha

about me

email: piranha@gooroos.com

hi. i am piranha (pronounced pi-RUN-ya). i know you prefer UseRealNames, but i thank you kindly for not forcing it on me. i believe trust is earned, not contained in a name, and i will endeavour to earn yours since you give me this space. i have not used my given name in 30 years, and i am a little strange when it comes to names; i have several i consider real, but other people who don't yet know me seem generally not to understand. little wry grin. names i consider real to me at this time are piranha, alix, and pleonastic. i'm trying to use AlixPiranha over on the TaoRiver Wiki Hive, but it looks really odd to me, not like "me" at all. sorry. :/

[de]hallo. ich bin piranha (sprich pi-RAN-ja). ich weiss, dass ihr UseRealNames bevorzugt. ich danke euch dafür, dass ihr mich nicht dazu zwingen werdet. ich glaube, dass vertrauen erworben werden muss und nicht am namen hängt. ich will mich bemühen, das eure zu erwerben, da ihr mir hier raum gebt. ich habe meinen zugegebenen namen seit 30 jahren nicht verwendet - ich bin ein wenig komisch, was meinen namen angeht. ich habe mehrere namen, die ich als "wirklich" betrachte. andere leute, die mich nicht kennen, verstehen das oft nicht * kleines trockenes grinsen *. namen, die ich zur zeit als "wirklich" ansehe, sind: piranha, alix, und pleonastic. drüben auf dem TaoRiver Wiki Hive versuche ich AlixPiranha zu verwenden, aber es erscheint mir echt fremd - überhaupt nicht "ich". t'schuldigung. :/

my portrait is a picture of the real me. i'm in general very open with things that are mine to be open with (i am also a strong believer in the right to privacy). the following websites are where i am present on the net:

piranha's tank – my livejournal userinfo

photographs – am slow in uploading, but at least something is there

my profile on orkut – membership required. temporary; i am not a big fan of social software of this type.

gooroos software – my company; we write customized plugins and scripts for Alias's high-end 3D animation product Maya.

here's my FOAF file and here you can explore the FOAF world with the FOAF Explorer.

i am "pir" on the #wiki, #wiki-de, and #onebigsoup IRC channels. see WikiChannel to find out more.

2005-08-19 – alas life has had other plans for me, which is why i've been absent for so long. planning to return, however.


most of my activity has not been on the web, but on usenet. google will find roughly 12,500 articles (good grief!) by me. and that's only since i bought my own domain. i co-administer the big-8 of usenet, and the moderation database for all moderated newsgroups on usenet.

[de] der großteil meiner tätigkeit findet nicht im web, sondern im usenet statt. google findet ungefähr 12,500 artikel (puh!) von mir. und das erst seit ich mir eine eigene domain gekauft habe. ich bin einer der manager der big-8 im usenet und der moderatoren-datenbank für alle moderierten newsgroups.

i am brandnew to wikis, but i love the concept. i've been a member of online communities since the early 1970's when i first encountered PLATO, and i am very much interested in adding a lot of the information i've accumulated over the years to the corpus of the PublicDomain. i'm a strong believer in the gift culture, in sharing information, in teaching each other. and the better we can interconnect the multitude of public fora now in existence the happier i'll be. i'm a systems analyst / programmer by trade, i support the open source movement, and i hope that i can use my expertise to help build something interesting.

[de] ich bin brandneu in wikis, aber ich finde das konzept großartig. seit den frühen 70ern, als ich zum ersten mal auf PLATO stieß, bin ich ein mitglied von online-gemeinschaften. ich bin sehr daran interessiert informationen - die ich über die jahre angesammelt habe - in den korpus der PublicDomain einzufügen. ich bin fest überzeugt von der geschenkkultur, davon, dass wir informationen miteinander teilen sollten und uns gegenseitig lehren sollten. wenn es uns gelänge, viele foren im netz miteinander zu verbinden, so würde mich das sehr glücklich machen. beruflich bin ich ein systemanalytiker / programmierer, unterstütze die open source bewegung, und hoffe, dass ich meine erfahrung dazu verwenden kann, mithelfen, etwas interessantes zu errichten.

i speak english, dutch, german, some french, a little swedish, a wee bit of russian, and have just started to learn japanese, and seeing a number of pages here translated into different languages has just added to the notion that this might be a good place for me. i view myself primarily as a citizen of the world, not as a member of just one nation state.

[de] ich spreche englisch, niederländisch, deutsch, etwas französisch, ein bisschen schwedisch, ein noch kleineres bisschen russisch, und ich habe begonnen, japanisch zu lernen. als ich gesehen habe, dass hier eine anzahl von seiten in unterschiedliche sprachen übersetzt worden war, liess mich das denken, dass hier der richtige ort für mich sei. ich sehe mich primär als weltbürger, nicht als ein mitglied einer einzigen nation.

my motto is: embracing the power of "and", since i am interested in just about everything, and think there are usually not just two but several sides to each story. :)

all my contributions on CommunityWiki are hereby placed in the PublicDomain unless otherwise indicated.

what does that mean? it means that i don't concern myself with my own copyright on wikis, that i don't want to worry about it, don't want to talk about it endlessly, don't want to defend it, don't want to attach conditions to it – i just want to give my stuff to the corpus of human knowledge. i realize this is not really helpful unless somebody can figure out which text i wrote, and i am not going to indicate that on each page (i think that would feel slightly rude to me, to go against CW's stated licenses). i am using this notice mainly as a flag to indicate my attitude about text i write on wikis.

practical goals

i am particularly interested in creating a facility to allow a person to log everything zie write anywhere (usenet, IRC, LiveJournal, any wiki, online diary, any blog, IM) and store it in a database on zir home machine from which zie can easily feed (parts of) it back out (depending on some as-yet-to-be-determined markup) to whoever would like to see it.

musings

it's very interesting to me how very differently i react to the "atmosphere" of different wikis, what things encourage versus deter me from participating, what things confuse me, what rubs me the wrong way, what delights me. a lot of those things are very subtle.

useful links

to do

write down thoughts about plain talk for FormOfWriting

my wiki connection tree

what is this? an experiment of sigi and MattisManzel, connecting people who care about wiki. how is it different from FOAF? sigi says FOAF is like a meadow while the connection tree is like, well a tree. :) that's about all i understand of it, but i like the way it looks. see WikiFolks and WikiDe:VerbindungsBaum.

*piranha **mattis ***sunir ***christophe ****anthere *****yann ****arnaud ****bayle ****florence ****heather ****karl *****charles ****laurent ****luc ****pierre ****seb ****serge ****sylvie ***helmut ***luigi **sigi ***karlos ****martin ***marti **lion

comments and messages

Welcome to CommunityWiki, Alix! – BayleShanks

Welcome Alix. They have real frightening teeth. Interesting to watch through the glass of an aquarium. But I wouldn't even hold my hand over the waters surface - do I know if they attack jumping? Maybe a good name for a boxing champion. I look forward to see your teeth here. And thanks for the compliment on multilingual.

Bienvenue Alix.

[fr]toujours intéressé pour développer le WikiAquarium ;)

[en]thank you, Bayle. the seahare is amazing; i've never seen one alive. [de] danke, Mattis – ich beisse nicht zu hart solang jemand es nicht verdient :). [fr] merci, Christophe; je visiterai bientôt. ;)

wow, i love the language stuff, and how easy it is to read contributions here. that's just really exciting. bounce.

Sunir – wave. talk to me anytime.

they're fun to hold, too. this page has a another pictures of it.

Welcome, Piranha! It's great to see you here. :)

Piranha, excellent German intro, few mistakes, I'm pretty happy to know you speak German this good. It has been little things in German going on here since Helmut Leitner and the bunch of other German speakers left shortly after Community was created.

thanks for the welcomes, and the compliment – it's been a looong time since i last spoke/wrote german, i feel incredibly rusty. it'll be good to translate some of the core pages here, which i'll start with after finishing this one.

[en] .. and now that 64-bit address spaces are possible, it's theoretically possible to do away with file systems and just have all objects accessible by their adress. (personally i think we may need 128 bit for this but still…)
[de]http://www.wikiwiki.de/newwiki/pmwiki.php/Wiki/DasDateienProblem was hälts du davon? --sigi

Hallo piranha! Ich habe mir die Freiheit genommen ein wenig an Deiner deutschen Übersetzung zu feilen. Jetzt entspricht es eher dem was ich als Deutschsprachiger vom englischen Text erwarten würde. Ich habe mich bemüht ein wenig von Deinem Stil zu erhalten, aber leider verliert es dabei trotzdem viel des Charakters. Schmeiss es ohne schlechtes Gewissen weg, wenn's Dir nicht gefällt! – DavidSchmitt

hey there, David! nice to see you here! no, i don't mind at all, i really appreciate the corrections, style can come later. thank you! however, i have one request – it's not very wiki-like, but i would learn a lot better if y'all didn't change the translation i wrote, but put your changes into a copy right beneath. i've tried to track back through revisions, but that's complicated, especially if there are several ones in a row. alas i don't have an eidetic memory :). i'll do the integration myself after seeing where your translation differs from mine. would you mind?

WikiDe? performs better now. Martin switched some cachestuff off. It still hasn't but 128 MB Ram. I'm pretty positive Martin will soon put more, so that we can fully use it. I like the new PmWiki version. I even finally understood the clusterstuff!

Hi piranha! yes, if you could take the image I put on my page and shrink it that would be fab! or the other picture at http://markdilley.blogspot.com. Thanks, MarkDilley

RSS from my journal

2008-07-07

  • 04:06 UTC morrell nature sanctuary


    sword fern, sword fern, everywhere.

    walklog:

    7-06 morrell nature sanctuary - > westwood lake -> return, 4.37 km, 2:11, 799m elevation gain. except for the bushwhacking along the fence during which the paramour got lassoed by an aggressive blackberry vine, this was a nice loop. next time gotta take one of the side trails before getting to the end of the old gravel road.

2008-07-06

  • 04:20 UTC chase river falls


    don't actually know the proper name since these falls are hidden away behind the old storage reservoir and i've never heard anyone else talk about them. we came upon the top (which doesn't provide much of a view) during a short walk in the rain, exploring around the reservoir (which isn't very explorable) and had figured out how one might get to the bottom without sliding down the steep inclines near the highway overpass. today we actually tried that while walking in colliery dams park. and much to our surprise, the falls were actually this nice this late in the year -- the chase river never runs completely dry, but the waterlevel does fall precipitously after the spring runoff.

    walklog:

    07-05 colliery dams park with side trip to chase river falls, 2.53 km, 1:28, 512m elevation gain.

2008-07-05

  • 04:42 UTC calendula unfolding



    hopefully caught up on my sleep deficit in this current madcap cycle of insomnia / hypersomnia. left the house to have dinner with P (our boat builder) which was pleasant; good to catch up, hope to see more of each other than we have during the last year. made appointment with dr P for tuesday in order to talk to him about increasing my celexa dosage. feeling very logey.

2008-07-04

2008-07-03

  • 03:28 UTC 6 cats is enough


    mangy-cat wants to be #7. the rest of the mischpoke doesn't seem to mind.

2008-07-02

2008-06-25

  • 01:36 UTC more thoughts on D/S and review
    i think the books that irritate me the most are those that have a story seed of something valuable and characters i could come to care for, which then gets squandered bit by bit until nothing is left.

    i thought i'd give claire thompson another chance, despite my prior disappointment with masked submission. this time i read golden boy, the story of johnny wilson and eric méndez.

    johnny is 24, and he has never been in love; he can't seem to connect with the women he's dated. and that's not the only problem in his life; he's not happy with his job as an automechanic in his father's garage -- his father is a bully as is his older brother hank, and not only has he buried his dream of doing something artistic, he can't get himself to stand up to their daily verbal abuse. the only really good thing in his life is his friend amanda, a gothy punk lesbian who befriended him in the library, and who's making it her business to get him to live a little.

    unbeknownst to johnny, amanda thinks he's a closeted gay, and when she scores tickets to an exclusive hotspot, she drags him to the trendy gay nightclub.

    eric méndez is a psychologist by day, and by night a "god" of the manhattan BDSM scene -- a much-sought-after dom, not only for his smoldering latino looks, but also for his capabilities in training and torturing submissives. but eric is growing tired of the scene, tired of the merry-go-round of a new slave boy every month, tired of never finding that perfect sub who doesn't just get off on pain and humiliation, but who perceives submission as a romantic state of grace.

    well, guess what. across a crowded courtyard at the trendy gay nightclub, johnny and eric's eyes meet, and even though they don't exchange a word, they both go home remembering the encounter, and find themselves unable to forget the other, and fantasizing about him.

    for johnny, in conversation with amanda, this leads to the realization that he is gay. and eric feels driven to find this man, his "golden boy".

    aside from a little purplish prose, this started with some promise, mainly because johnny is an interesting character, complex and introspective. also, amanda is a breath of fresh air in a genre in which women either don't appear at all, are mere spear carriers, or throw wrenches in between the destined lovers. eric, well -- there's the usual problem i have with so many doms; he starts out being described in a way that immediately makes me raise my eyebrows and think "poser", though there is enough meat to overcome that for a while (and no, i do NOT mean _that_ meat, though of course it is substantial; no real dom apparently ever has an average penis *rolls eyes*).

    unfortunately the promise lasts only for a little while. because eric is a BAD DOM. OMG, so very bad. and of course he seems even worse because he's been built up so much during his introduction, as an incredibly capable, responsible, and respected dom. and worst of all, he's allegedly a psychologist -- i was expecting some insight into johnny's vulnerable psyche from the man. but the reality is that he makes horrible mistakes with johnny from the get-go. i mean, ms thompson clearly does mean him to fail in the scene at the end of this book (there is a sequel in which i suppose he'll redeem himself, but i haven't read it yet, and am loath to), but i don't think she intended that i wanted to slap him around every which way to sunday from the very start. because, you know, he's made out to be so experienced, and a psychologist, and into this loving submission stuff. and yet from the very beginning he makes mistakes that IMO only a rank beginner would make.

    before going into detail on what i think eric is doing wrong, some more of my thoughts on dominance and submission. bear in mind that this is navel-gazing for me on a subject which i am just exploring, and as an outsider to boot. i might be all wet -- feel free to tell me so; i'm want to learn.

    i feel that something very important to such a relationship is that the dominant must create an emotionally safe space for the submissive, in which the latter can trust to voice all zir feelings -- including fears about the relationship, misgivings about certain scenes and expectations, and about the dominant's behaviour, without negative repercussions or actual punishment. i actually think this is pretty damn important for any close relationship, but it feels like it would be of primary importance in a relationship in which there is a conscious power exchange. if there is no such emotional honesty in a D/S relationship, especially about fears, how can the dominant possibly take control in a way that works well for both of the parties, and how can the submissive possibly trust enough?

    a large part of what's problematic for me in this book is that eric assumes there is trust simply because johnny says he wants to try and be submissive. yes, that implies _some_ trust, but not the sort of trust that means eric can do anything he wants with johnny at this point. eric himself gives lip service to trust being earned, but he does not behave accordingly. and he pushes johnny consistently too far too fast. each time he promptly blames himself afterwards, and again talks about trust being earned, but he seems to have a damn flat learning curve as to actually applying the concept. and IMO he does not earn it; johnny gives him more because johnny wants to please him (partly because johnny is in love with him, and partly because he wants to get off, *sigh*). eric should be aware of this dynamic, and should counteract it, but he fails to pay sufficient attention or follow through responsibly.

    and there's more to this -- in a lot of BDSM fiction i get the feeling that the submissive is required to basically change zir personality, and i think that's completely counter-productive for what i imagine a healthy D/S relationship to be like. a secure dominant would want zir submissive to be truly zirself, to encourage zir to express the best parts of zir personality, to help zir heal whatever emotional trauma zie carries, to become stronger -- not so zie can take more whippings in public to honour zir dom, for heaven's sakes, but so zie can be a more fulfilled person, and so the power exchange actually means something beyond a temporary high. if a dominant doesn't act accordingly, IMO zie is nothing more than a control freak.

    so here's what eric says to johnny on day 2 of their relationship: You are your own man. But to become my slave, to truly submit, as opposed to simply going through the motions as part of some game, you will have to break that down. To give up your private sense of self. To give yourself completely to me and allow me to rebuild you, in a sense. hell, no. *ugh*.

    eric comes across as a pompous control freak to me. because man, johnny is so vulnerable at this point, what with his oppressive family background, and just figuring out that he is gay (which means that the family pressure will go up exponentially when they find out). johnny hasn't had anal intercourse, hasn't as much as touched himself there sexually. eric has no idea whether johnny is really submissive -- just because he gets hard when he fantasizes about being bound and a man stands behind him with a whip doesn't mean any such thing. so what's eric's first real dommy action on day 3 of their relationship? he orders johnny to let him stick a dildo up his ass. and when johnny can't get himself to do it, when he twitches away as soon as the cold thing touches his pucker, eric acts clearly disapproving even though he tries to suppress it, and internally argues with himself about it. he even tells johnny that it isn't his fault, but eric's own. but then he goes ahead and prepares some other sex toys in front of johnny only to tell him that he is obviously not ready and they will have to wait. and soon thereafter he sends johnny home for the rest of the week with the idiotic assignment of reading up on BDSM on the net (hint: typing BDSM into google results in 43,000,000 hits) instead of being a normal lover and maybe cuddling a bit on the sofa to let johnny down easy. BAD DOM. this isn't how you get somebody used to anal intercourse, you total arse.

    there is no safe space yet for johnny. there are no safewords (eric doesn't believe in safewords for his relationships [1]). there is no clear delineation between eric and johnny as lovers and eric as johnny's dom. there is no negotiation, no clear agreement on just what eric expects of johnny, what will result in punishment. he doesn't even make the basic rules clear at the start, he springs them on johnny, such as interrupting him when he speaks to tell him he is not to speak, and then later, when he doesn't answer a question, by punishing him for not answering a direct question (my insane mother did this sort of thing; forever shifting rules are so much fun, let me tell you). johnny has no experience, not with the lover part and even less so with the sub part. he's insecure about so many things. and what does eric do? he talks a great deal about how loving submission exalts the sub. but in his rushed eagerness to mold his ideal sub, he makes johnny more insecure.

    day 4 of their relationship features this little nugget: johnny is tied spread-eagled to the bed. it all starts very nicely, with telling johnny to lie absolutely still no matter what, putting a ruler across his chest that he is to keep there, and then running a scarf over his body. which tickles him, he wriggles, and the ruler falls off. with twinkling eyes (next thing you know he will sparkle) eric says he'll have to be punished. runs the scarf over him a bit more, tickling. Tickles, huh,” Eric said. “And you can’t get away. Well, don’t worry. I’m not interested in tickle torture. I prefer the real thing.” He took a long, sharp-looking knife from the night table and held it up in front of Johnny. “Are you afraid of the sight of your own blood? johnny panics and tries to pull himself loose. eric slaps him across the face. oh, i wanted to kick him in the nads. and then he has the audacity to pontificate some more about trust. Haven’t you spent enough time with me to know, to really know in your bones, that I would never hurt you? Never put you at risk? well no, you moron, he has spent barely 4 days with you, and you've not proven shit other than that you want to control somebody real badly. and again he does the martyr thing about how trust is earned and how he obviously failed since johnny isn't ready. nice guilt trip, asshole.

    some weeks later a demonstration of why i think lack of safewords is detrimental in this case (eric whips johnny while he is supposed to maintain a standing position):

    Johnny would struggle to obey [...]. Sometimes he could move past this stage, recapturing some of the peace and sensual serenity he’d felt earlier in spite of the pain, but more often than not he could not. Instead he would fall out position again and again, finally begging and cowering as Eric continued to lash his ass and back without mercy.

    johnny is cowering, he isn't even trying anymore. if he had the option he'd have safeworded out. eric, who doesn't believe in safewords because he prides himself on knowing where his sub's limits are (how the fuck, eric when you do in fact not watch carefully enough), lets the whipping go on despite physical evidence that johnny can't handle it anymore. and why?

    Finally Eric would stop, softly reminding him, “I stop when I think it’s time, not you. We will continue these lessons until you learn to submit with more ease. Until you truly give up control and give yourself to me completely.”

    because eric is a fucking control freak, that's why.

    Johnny was exhausted from these sessions and frustrated. Eric always seemed to push him to the point of failure. No matter what new skill he’d acquired or new submission realized, Johnny felt he could never be good enough.

    johnny is constantly insecure and wonders whether he is even a sub, and IMO he asks good questions, and eric gives crappy answers. not always, mind. there are some instances of really good exchanges, but this is one of a crappy one, and eric is a BAD DOM.

    oh, and remember my thoughts on honesty, and how important it is? early on eric pontificates along similar lines to johnny. and there are a couple of times where eric is straightforward and honest when a lesser person might weasel to save face; i really liked that. but he wipes that all out when he keeps johnny carefully at a distance and resists expanding their weekend trysts to include the occasional weekday evening just for watching a movie or having a pizza together, or letting johnny bring over a change of clothes. he tells johnny it would be too much, and when johnny counters "well, we don't have to do anything sexual" he lies with compliments about how he couldn't keep his hands off johnny. when in reality, he is afraid of getting too invested, worries that johnny won't stay with him because he's just his first experience, and wants to test johnny whether he is "worthy" of becoming his life partner, by displaying him and letting him be used by his scene compatriots. gee, great job, mr psychologist -- yeah, testing your life partner by publicly humiliating him without even telling him for what it's a test, that's loving behaviour. and honesty is important for the sub, but not for the dom? you immature bastard.

    which leads us to the total clusterfuck at the end of this book.

    johnny is confronted by one of his brothers about why they see him around so rarely, and after being pressured, he finally cops out and pretends he has a girlfriend. he's quite broken up about this, mostly because he feels he's betraying eric by denying him. and he actually talks to eric about this (ghod, johnny is such a great character), he talks about his fears, and how it affects him that eric doesn't seem to want a closer relationship outside of the D/S thing, seems to keep him at arm's length. and eric comes partly clean about how he fears johnny will leave him, and johnny says all the things that an actual psychologist would damn well know for himself, except for the bit about how keeping somebody at a distance will of course guarantee that they'll leave you sooner or later, like *duh*. it's not a bad conversation. and johnny comes out of it determined to come out to his family because he doesn't want to live with keeping eric a secret anymore.

    which eric then uses to parlay johnny into his little "test". oh, the bastard.

    remember, johnny has just been into the sub thing for a few weekends (we dont know for sure, maybe 7 or 8). he's not able to maintain what he's ordered to do during most sessions. and yet eric wants to put him "through his paces", which, as we are about to find out, consists of a lot more than just being paraded around mostly naked and being whipped in public by eric, no, apparently proving one is a truly romantic loving submissive means one lets oneself be fucked by any comer or sucks them off if one's lover/master so demands. and let's remember, eric has never actually as much as been to a BDSM club, not even to watch.

    do all the rules get explained to johnny? no. he gets told the clientele at this exclusive private club is very demanding. he gets told that others will touch him -- but only with eric's approval. he gets told that he is not allowed to come, no matter what anyone does to him (he has had no special training for this, and eric apparently doesn't believe in cock rings nor in taking the edge off, rather the opposite). he doesn't get told what the consequences of failure might be. he doesn't get told what limits there are for other people. eric is a BAD DOM.

    but oh, look! suddenly we hear of safewords, because apparently, even though trust in his master is 100% expected, and your dom has a magical sense of what you really want and what you don't, third parties might not, and your dom, while being 100% responsible for you, obviously can't be responsible for what third parties do to you. at this point johnny is voicing some serious reservations. is eric using his magical ability to sense what his sub really wants? no, eric pontificates about how this is probably scary because it is a GAY CLUB, but sometimes what we fear most we most want to experience. but hey, there's the safeword. some doms, johnny learns, punish their subs for being so puny as to bail on a scene, they send them out of the room in disgrace. but oh, not eric, no. that's why eric mentioned this just now, right? i mean, this is the time where johnny needs to hear about how some doms act towards their subs being in distress. eric is a BAD DOM.

    johnny is really afraid by now. but of course he tries to macho it out. not surprising, given his upbringing, and his desire to please eric. a "yellow" safeword would be good by now. but i am not a psychologist, what do i know.

    so one of the first things that happen is that alfonso, another sub touches him -- he doesn't ask for permission from eric, but eric doesn't seem to mind, so johnny puts up with it. eric is a BAD DOM because he did not correctly explain this to johnny. johnny doesn't like alfonso, he makes him uncomfortable because he's too familiar, and he has an irritating, taunting manner. eric takes johnny around the playroom and shows him some of the equipment, all new to johnny, and then he goes to change him into his slave gear. "you ready, johnny?" ... johnny says "no" impulsively. eric's magical ability to sense what his sub really wants inspires him to laugh and tell him that he shouldn't look like this is an execution, it's supposed to be fun, and the guys out there are all salivating over him, johnny. strangely enough, eric's magical ability does not make johnny less nervous. he's not ready to be intimate with total strangers. and he told eric that. but eric has laughed it all off, telling him he is more ready than he thinks. hey, johnny? eric is a BAD DOM.

    up to this point my interpretation of eric's magical ability to sense what his sub really wants has pegged it to him testing johnny's penis for hardness -- and yet he misses the telling point that johnny is 100% flaccid at this moment. so he sucks him a little, and johnny being johnny who has a hard-on for any touch from eric gets it up. alright! magical ability GO GO GO. eric sucks a little more so that eric almost comes (because this will make it oh so easy to keep the "do not come" rule, i guess. eric is so helpful).

    and then we encounter alfonso again, the sub from before, the one who touched johnny. this time he has his master with him. who fondles johnny first, and then alfonso, who is allegedly the best cocksucker in ten counties, gets to go to work on johnny, complete with having to use his teeth to get johnny's cock harness off. johnny, if we recall, doesn't like alfonso, and having his teeth in close proximity to his privates is more unnerving than just being touched. but even though he is rough, he IS a really good cocksucker. and eric stands right behind johnny and whispers in his ear. johnny can't get away, and kaboom, he comes. alfonso taunts him about his lousy self-control, and spits his own come at him, and reflexively johnny, who still can't step back, strikes him.

    that type of violence is apparently a cardinal rule violation at the club (and i understand why that would be, but johnny wasn't told). does eric take johnny out of there, since, hey, johnny has never been violent in his presence before, and he has seen nothing that would indicate johnny is in general a violent person, and this therefore constitutes some kind of a serious breakdown? no, because eric is a BAD DOM whose own pride matters more to him than the emotional well-being of his sub. instead he lets others manhandle johnny and tie him up for punishment. telling him that he needs to take it like a man, or he won't be welcome back at this club. johnny tries to say something, but eric shushes him. johnny is blindfolded, so he can't even see eric.

    what makes this worse IMO is that eric actually knows alfonso, knows of his cocksucking skills, knows he's crude, and yet he didn't protect johnny, didn't let him ease into the experience at the club. and now he lets others handle the punishment. which proceeds apace, and is rougher than what eric ever dished out. but not enough, no, some people realize that johnny might get off on pain, and decide that's not a real punishment then. eric feels his masculinity as a dom is called in question -- his unquestioned dom supremacy might be in tatters, his reputation ruined, because of his disobedient and badly trained slave (who was that again who trained him, eric?). and so he still doesn't get johnny out of there, instead he agrees that he should service alfonso. eric is a BAD DOM.

    johnny can't stand after having been severely beaten by several people and with implements he was never beaten with before, and sinks to his knees when he is untied. he whispers that he needs water, that he can't do this anymore. but eric's magical ability, oh wait, his fucking pride doesn't listen. alfonso wants johnny to lick his asshole clean. johnny can barely even kneel; he feels dizzy (dehydration will do that to you). eric forces him towards alfonso by pulling on his arms.

    luckily we have the safeword, because eric is SUCH A BAD DOM. amazingly enough, screaming out the safeword actually stops him; i wasn't sure it would. eric is really sorry now. i want to castrate eric. look down much on posers, eric? you ARE the supreme poser.

    i don't want to read the sequel, because no doubt johnny is so in love that he will not ditch this BAD DOM, and eric will get out of it without too much serious examination of just why he is a BAD DOM, and then johnny will become the perfect romantic loving submissive for eric. bah humbug. johnny is a great guy, he deserves so much better.

    WTF does any of this scene have to do with what eric claims he wants from a sub? what does perfect submission to somebody one loves have to do with letting any and all strangers manhandle one's privates? why should a submissive be treated like an object? those things do not automatically (or even at all) go together.

    this sounds like a really bad review, when in actuality golden boy is far from the worst m/m BDSM i've read, in fact it stands out slightly positive overall. johnny is earnest and thoughtful, bits and pieces of eric and johnny's relationship are rather good, and as already mentioned, johnny's friendship with amanda is a breath of fresh air. but eric's flaws are so serious that i'm thoroughly irritated, much more so than by the average eye-roll-inspiring vampire and werewolf porn.

    [1] i realize that lack of safewords is ok for some relationships, but IMO it's not safe/sane for a brandnew relationship with a complete newbie.

2008-06-24

  • 06:02 UTC salix seeds


    i'm not very knowledgeable about shrubbery, but i am pretty sure this is salix (willow), and since i was a dodo and didn't take a picture of other parts of the shrub i'll have to go back to do that in order to identify the species. lanceolate leaves, green-greyish foliage.

2008-06-23

  • 06:29 UTC nature paints ugly things too
    albeit in more muted colour schemes.


    smut that annoyed me:

    claire thompson's masked submission. dylan is searching for something more, something deeper than random play scenes, and he thinks he might have found it in tomas, a mysterious, masked dom he meets at an exclusive BDSM club. they have a definite connection, and dylan falls in love -- except even at their closest tomas will not unmask himself, he remains distant and that hurts dylan.

    the rollercoaster ride of his new love and the submissive feelings it brings out in dylan make him confide in his thesis advisor jack, who's come out as gay and dominant to him during their blossoming friendship. jack seems to be developing deeper feelings for him, and things come to a head after a drunken tumble in bed. but dylan can't give up his fantasy love, and jack has ... secrets.

    ok, so overall this isn't all bad (if a bit overly dramatic at times), which is probably why the big scene towards the ending really really annoys me. there's the usual amount of squick because of too much pain (which i don't grok) and too much humiliation (which makes me a bit nauseated), and this book didn't help me feel less squicked, but that's not what i am talking about. no, what's stuck in my craw is that after all the talk about trusting in your dom even when the dom really pushes your comfort envelope -- trusting even when you're very much afraid, because your dom has promised he will be there and watch over you, and have your back, _this_ dom isn't there and isn't watching, he leaves dylan in the hands of other people, and dylan almost gets badly hurt (and not in the good way).

    now, it's not totally swept under the carpet because the dom rides in as a knight in shining armour at the last moment, and feels guilty afterwards and promises himself to never let this happen again, but if i had been dylan, i would have ripped the dom's face off, and it would have been a long time before i would have trusted him again. because this wasn't a small oversight or some unforeseeable accident; the scene was planned this way, and the dom's vetting of the other people was terrible -- everything was about pushing dylan (and consequently making himself look good), but he seemed to put no thought into keeping dylan safe while pushing him way beyond his comfort zone. and this after he'd already gone through one major trust issue with dylan (which he also fucked up).

    grade-A prick. it spoiled the entire relationship for me. it also turned dylan into a doormat, and i rather liked him at the start.

2008-06-22

  • 04:30 UTC utility art


    i like it when inherently ugly or boring utilitarian things are made pretty.

2008-06-21

2008-06-20

  • 05:37 UTC itsy-bitsy ... duckweed?


    i should have asked what exactly this is at the nursery. am still thinking of building a pond, though doubt i'll be digging one. might buy a half-barrel or some other large container for it instead. i want to grow papyrus!

2008-06-19

  • 06:23 UTC mystery bug on mystery plant


    this is one of those serendipitous photos -- a throwaway that i took it just to identify the plant, and the bug landed right when i snapped the picture. i didn't even see it until i uploaded and looked at the day's images.

2008-06-18

  • 04:52 UTC western painted turtle


    running from me at buttertubs marsh. i wonder about that bright red colouration -- what's that good for? mate attractor? it really draws the eye, and makes the turtle NOT blend in with the environment.

    walklog:

    6-17 long mailbox loop, 2.41 km, 0:27, new personal best. note to self: do NOT start doing this, checking the timer at the bottom of the hill and then pushing yourself up that last bit just to beat your previous time. you know what that leads to, and it's not good for you. take the seconds off that time above. there. better.

    insomnia with smut reading apparently leads to me walking faster. *snrk*.

    best smut read:

    sean michael's catching a second wind. dakota lost his life partner of 16 years less than a year ago, and he thinks he's coping pretty well, considering. but there's something just not right with him at work. as a veterinarian he's got to occasionally euthanize an animal, and while that was never something he liked doing, now it leaves him shaking and hurling his guts out. his partners in the practice think he should see a psychologist. he's not keen on that, but what the heck. ben, the psychologist, turns out to be sympathetic, a good listener, and a fine looking man, even if he asks uncomfortable questions.

    this wasn't actually a real smut read for me. not because the smut is bad, it's in fact quite good. but because stories in which people have lost their life partner bring up memories, and those memories don't go well with smut. the story itself is very good, and i'd recommend it to anyone -- except, you know, the m/m smut which is not everyone's taste. *wry grin*. all the mixed feelings dakota has about getting involved with somebody else so soon, the agony of the loss, the guilt of living, the quandary of having a new lover in the place built with the old. dakota is very well written. ben is maybe a little bit too good to be true -- even psychologists get the blues, and a tad more insecurity wouldn't have hurt for somebody just out of college; he felt like a much older, wiser man to me. but i didn't care that much because i could identify with dakota's feelings and because i was ruminating over my own memories. it was a very satisfying read because so much of it rang true for me even if the details were completely different.

2008-06-17

  • 04:54 UTC sedum in bloom


    bloody insomnia. oh well, as long as i have books to read, it isn't so bad. but it leaves my head empty and my body exhausted.

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